In an effort to assist the Site Support Personnel
the following guidelines have been established.
Users: An end users guide to technical services
1. When a tech says hes coming right over, go for coffee.
Its nothing to us to remember 2700 screen saver passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We dont have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
importance, delete it at once. Were just testing out the public groups.
4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in
and spill your guts out. We exist only to serve.
5. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer
question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those
clients who dont have e-mail or a telephone line.
6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a techs direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual greeting that says hes out of town for a week, record your
message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to
the director because no one ever returned your call. Youre entitled to
8. When the photocopier doesnt work, call computer support.
Theres electronics in it.
9. When youre getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your line from here.
10. When somethings wrong with your home PC, dump it on a
techs chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
problem. We love a puzzle.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
changing a setting; read the paper. We dont actually mean for you to DO
anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, dont
bother. Well be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13. When the printer wont print, re-send the job at least
20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
14. When the printer still wont print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Dont use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If youre taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all you
co-workers. Were grateful for the overtime money.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter
past two, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly
18. Dont ever thank us. Were getting paid for this.
19. When a tech asks you whether youve installed any new
software on this computer, lie. Its nobodys business what youve got on
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse
cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesnt work, blame it
on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound
of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
22. When you get the message saying Are you sure?, click
on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you werent sure, you
wouldnt be doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like I dont know
nothing about that computer crap. We dont mind at all hearing our area
of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Masters degree in nuclear physics.
25. When somethings the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal
with a third party who doesnt know jack shit about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to
everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail
27. Dont even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into a
28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on
a Saturday, ask a computer question. We dont do weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Well
be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your
Access 95 database flip out. When you bring your own personal home PC for
repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. Well find the
jumper settings on the internet.